The couples who go the distance are not the ones who never disagree. They are the ones who knew what they were signing up for. These 101 questions are the deep, sometimes uncomfortable conversations worth having before you say I do, so your marriage has no nasty surprises.
You will not get through all of them in one night, and you should not try. Pick a category, talk it through honestly, and pay attention to the answers that surprise you. Those are the ones worth revisiting.
The 10 categories1. Values and beliefs2. Love and relationship3. Kids and parenting4. Money and finances5. Career and ambition6. Lifestyle and daily life7. Family and in-laws8. Intimacy and connection9. Conflict and communication10. The future and deal-breakers
There are no wrong answers here, only unspoken ones. The goal is not to agree on everything. It is to know where you stand before it becomes a surprise.
1 Values and beliefs
- What are your core values, and which are truly non-negotiable?
- How important is religion or spirituality in our daily life?
- Do we share political views, and how much does that matter to us?
- What does a meaningful life look like to you?
- How do you define success?
- What role should tradition play in our marriage?
- Are there beliefs of yours you think might change over time?
- What causes or issues do you feel strongly about?
- How do we make an ethical decision when we disagree?
- How do you want to be remembered?
- What are you most proud of about who you are?
2 Love and relationship
- What made you sure you wanted to marry me?
- What does love mean to you day to day, not just in theory?
- How do you most like to give and receive affection?
- What does a happy marriage look like to you in ten years?
- What worries you most about getting married?
- How do we keep the romance alive long term?
- What did your parents teach you about marriage, good and bad?
- What are your expectations for time together and date nights?
- How much independence do we each need?
- What would make you feel truly cherished?
3 Kids and parenting
- Do we both want children, and how many?
- What if we cannot have children naturally? Adoption, other options?
- What is our rough timeline for starting a family?
- How would we divide childcare and parenting duties?
- How do we each feel about discipline?
- What values do we most want to pass on?
- Would one of us stay home, and how would we afford it?
- How do we feel about schooling, childcare, and religion for kids?
- How would having kids change our careers and finances?
- How would we handle a serious disagreement about parenting?
- What kind of parents do we each want to be?
4 Money and finances
- How much debt does each of us really have?
- Will we combine, separate, or split our finances?
- What are our biggest financial goals?
- How much should we save each month?
- What is a purchase big enough that we should discuss it first?
- How do we each feel about risk and investing?
- Do we want a prenup?
- How will we handle it if one of us earns much more?
- What is our plan for retirement?
- Are there any money habits that worry you about the other?
Money deserves its own deep dive. Work through our full financial questions to ask before marriage guide together after this one.
5 Career and ambition
- How important is your career to your identity?
- Would you relocate for my job? Would I for yours?
- How do we balance two demanding careers?
- What are your five and ten-year career goals?
- How much work travel or overtime is too much?
- Would you ever want to start your own business?
- How do we actively support each other ambitions?
- What if one of us wants to change careers or go back to school?
- How do we keep work from taking over our life?
6 Lifestyle and daily life
- Are we early birds or night owls, and does it clash?
- How do we split the household chores, honestly?
- How tidy or messy are we, really?
- How much social time versus alone time do we each need?
- City, suburbs, or country, long term?
- Rent or own, and where?
- How do we like to spend weekends and vacations?
- How important are hobbies and personal space?
- How do we feel about pets?
- How do we handle health, fitness, and eating habits?
- What does a normal, happy Tuesday look like for us?
7 Family and in-laws
- How close do we want to be with each other families?
- How often should we see the in-laws or host holidays?
- How do we handle it if a family member disrespects one of us?
- Would we ever support family members financially?
- How were you raised, and what would you do differently?
- How do we set boundaries with our families?
- Whose family traditions do we keep?
- How do we split holidays between two families?
- What role do we want our parents to play as grandparents?
8 Intimacy and connection
- What makes you feel closest to me?
- How do we keep intimacy a priority over the years?
- What are our expectations around physical intimacy?
- How do we talk about it when needs change?
- What does emotional safety look like for you?
- How do we handle attraction to others honestly?
- What are our boundaries around privacy, phones, and friendships?
- How do we reconnect after a rough patch?
- What is one thing you need more of from me?
9 Conflict and communication
- How did your family handle conflict?
- What is your fighting style, and what is mine?
- What is off-limits, even in a heated argument?
- How do we repair after a fight?
- How do we bring up something that is bothering us?
- Are we willing to go to counseling if we need it?
- Is there a past hurt we still need to work through?
- How do we make big decisions together?
- How often should we check in on our relationship?
- What makes you feel truly heard?
10 The future and deal-breakers
- What are your absolute deal-breakers?
- Where do we see ourselves in five, ten, and twenty years?
- How would we handle a major illness or job loss?
- What are our views on caring for aging parents?
- How do we each want to keep growing within the marriage?
- What would make you consider leaving?
- What does forever actually mean to you?
- Is there anything you have been afraid to tell me?
- What are we each most excited about for our future?
- What tradition do we want to start as a couple?
- What promise do we most want to make to each other?
Ready to make it official in NYC?
When the big conversations are done, we handle the beautiful part. Married by NotarEaseNYC officiates intimate ceremonies and takes care of the license and paperwork.
This list is a conversation tool to help couples build understanding, not professional counseling. For deeper support, a licensed premarital counselor or therapist is well worth the investment.